Last weekend I accidentally deleted my wordpress database ─ who knew the real thing was still called beta? By the time I discovered the problem, the back up files had been written over. I was in a state, alternating between panic ─ “What am I going to do?” and beating myself up for not paying enough attention.

What did we both have in common? We were stuck in the drama of the situation and not yet in a resourceful state for moving forward. Fortunately I have two magic questions to get out of drama in into resourcefulness.

First, before asking any question, it is important to acknowledge all the emotions. I let Trish express her feelings and name them. I allowed myself to sense the panic and the blaming. Then I asked Magic Question #1: “Who do you want to be in this situation?”

For me I wanted to be accepting and easily move forward positively. Trisha said she wanted to stand up for herself.

Then I asked Magic Question #2: “What good wants to happen here?” This question is really about looking for the highest potential for a positive outcome in any situation. It took me a few minutes to answer. What came to me was a picture of spring cleaning, taking everything out of my drawers and closets and putting back only things that I actually wear, still fit, and look great. I decided to rebuild my website that way. Putting back the pages that still fit and I love, and letting go the ones that did not.

Trish didn’t have an answer for Magic Question #2. I don’t think she was ready to see any good trying to happen. As her Mom, I saw an opportunity for her to build skills in working out a difficult roommate situation, rather than run from it.

Once you have answered the two magic questions, go back to the situation. Look at it with new eyes. Choose your action based on who you want to be and what good wants to happen.

My website is fully back up. It was work and yet I enjoyed it more coming from a place of spring cleaning. My daughter did talk with her roommate. The issue of the stolen card did not get resolved and yet Trish didn’t run away. She is now thinking proactively of what she wants to do once the lease with this roommate is up.

I have been asking my coaching clients these two magic questions in one form or another for years. I want to acknowledge Alan Seale, who is a gifted coach and teacher, for reminding me of how powerful they are in a presentation on Transformational Presence Coaching at last month’s New England Coaches meeting. Learn more about Alan Seale at www.trasformationalpresence.org.

I recently attended an all day workshop entitled Buddha’s Brain. Led by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and based on his best selling book of the same title, it was an all day exploration in using the mind to change the structure of the brain. Rick says our brains are “like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” In other words, because our evolutionary ancestors had to learn quickly from negative experiences─or get eaten─the brain evolved to easily remember things that feel bad.

You can probably do an informal test of this. Think back over your week. What stands out? You might remember a very positive moment, but in all likelihood what didn’t go right comes to mind first. The result─we live inside a constant state of “alert”, or stop ourselves from moving forward because of a past negative experience, or never really enjoy life as the joyful experience is it in this moment.

The good news is that you can use your mind to rewire your brain for happiness, making it Velcro for positive experiences and Teflon for negative ones. You actively engage in positive experiences, embodying the experience and soaking it in for more than 20 seconds. Do this repeatedly and the brain changes incrementally over time.  Rick calls this “Taking in the Good”.

Here is a practice you can do. Every evening before bed, when you mind is most receptive, think of a positive fact about yourself. For example, I’m good at listening. Now turn that fact into a positive experience, savor this positive fact for 10-20-30 seconds, feel it in your body. If you get distracted─well I didn’t really listen to my husband that well today─release the distraction or allow it to move to the back of your mind and come back to the positive experience. Sense and intend that the positive experience will soak into you brain and your body.

I learned some new brain science at the workshop, but the biggest gift was the realization of how much I already practice “Taking in the Good” with myself and my clients. We are rewriing our brains for happiness, love, and wisdom. I highly recommend learning more about Rick and his book at www.rickhanson.net.